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#1 2012-09-23 14:48:13

razza
better than u

Dear princess Celestia... (A Reminder to myself)

Hello, again. It's me, Razor cloud. The sex obsessed creeper that wrote to you asking to be molested so much but today I have a more serious topic. The fact that I am alive. while this topic may not seem like much and may seem to be a bit of a no brainer, i'm going to expound on it. Last night (9/22/12), at about 19:00 EST I nearly took my own life. I made the decision that life simply wasn't worth living. I had run out of reasons to live, and was tired of searching for more. i went into my bathroom and put some rubbing alcohol on my wrist, then proceeded upstairs to get my balisong. Ht3GN.jpg

This is the very knife I was going to use, but I couldn't find it. I have another, but it's quite dull, so i didn't bother with it. While I was looking for my knife, I decided to go into the chat and say a simple "fuck this shit i'm done" kinda thing. Just to let people know I'm done and that well, that was good bye. Well they began to talk to me. nothing much, just "what's wrong" and "no, man you're not worthless"

Well, eventually I started to feel like these were just generic responses (i was wrong) so i left the chat. to lay down and just prepare myself. Naki, Csquared, Lovely Nightmare, and Lelth decided to talk to me. I was spending a lot of time talking to Naki and Lovely, so the others may have felt like I wasn't listening. After a short while Lovely said she was going offline and would talk to me soon, and made DAMN sure I knew that. I simply replied with "ok" and then she was gone. I was confused, and went back to talking to Naki. We kept going in the fashion of me saying why I should just go and him refuting, with Lelth doing the same thing. Hell at this point Naki's girlfriend was messaging me on facebook, and applebloom came into the mix. I was frustrated by this. The more people that got involved (in my mind) the worse it got.

Well after a short while, I became numb, and just opened the knife. It was in my hand as I was typing. Needless to say Naki was very scared as was Lelth. I was, in all seriousness, ready. And then there was a knock at my door.

I went downstairs, rather confused. 'Who the hell would be at my door at this time of night?' So I went downstairs, opened the door, and wanted to cry. It was Lovely. Bubblez@_@ was with her. I immediately burst out the door and embraced her. She actually came to my house. We stood outside for a moment before going into my living room. I hugged her again (and many more times throughout the night, seriously it was like christmas came, and me being the DEMI-SANTA that I am, I just got everyone hugs that year), and we sat there for nearly 2 hours. Just talking. For the former half it was rather sad. I just sat there, drained, depressed, and I didn't know what to do or think. As for the latter half, that was just silly. Mostly me putting "big dick" into google translate and finding out the word for dick had the radicals "wood" and a character that looked like part of "to eat" thus being "edible wood". Well that, and me rustling jimmies, being the purposely awkward person I am, nearly killing Lovely in the process. Seriously she just kept laughing.

I found my reason. I fond the reason I'd needed all these years. I was told many times that people cared for me that night. But for once, for one time I was shown. I was shown how much people cared.
I1CQv.jpghe date was wrong and laughing at my not knowing what day it was. Luckily Lovely had a sharpie and I was able to fix that.

While I hope to not in any way show favouritism or go "HUZZAH THESE FUCKERS DID THINGS WHILE OTHERS DIDN'T" there are a few people I would like to thank
Bubblez, Jinzo, and Lovely Nightmare for finding out where I lived, and getting Lovely here.
Naki for being there the whole.
Lovely specifically for, well...so much.
Stoney Pony for being there and helping tremendously
Naki's Girlfriend (i dun think she on here and i'll just leave her at that name lal) for contacting me period. looking back, that meant a lot
Csquared for both texting me and messaging me on skype
Lelth i love you man.
Dash Attack for sending me pictures that made me burst into laughter along with the comments on them
Twitchy for Calling me (i'm so sorry, i was downstairs when my phone rang, so i didn't know)
Applebloom for talking to me literally out of nowhere. like i do to him all the time.
Strat for checking in once the affair was over
and Acheron for making a smile thread about best pony
I know that many others helped a lot, and I hope you know that I'm greatful. But these are the people That I can remember, and that I can thank for something specific. I honestly have never been happier. to put it in razor-ese


I found the sun through the dark clouds that loomed above my head
It is beautiful, and I hope to see it from now on

Also I wrote this whole thread while telling people it was a political rant about Romney.

(HOLY SHIT I FORGOT THE ENDING)
Your faithful student,
Razor Cloud

Last edited by razza (2012-09-24 21:05:08)


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#2 2012-09-23 14:49:47

razza
better than u

Re: Dear princess Celestia... (A Reminder to myself)

by the by, this thread has a twofold purpose.
1. A permanant reminder
2. Anyone who is sad at anytime and god forbid be as low as i was will know. yes, there is a reason to live.


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#3 2012-09-23 16:37:08

Lelth
Member

Re: Dear princess Celestia... (A Reminder to myself)

<3

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#4 2012-09-23 17:38:13

Strat
Unavailable at this time

Re: Dear princess Celestia... (A Reminder to myself)

I love how you included me even though the fiasco is over with. Interweb Brohoof man.

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#5 2012-09-23 18:16:04

Re: Dear princess Celestia... (A Reminder to myself)

I barely know you, but I'm very glad you found a reason to continue. smile I hope things only get better for you from here on out.

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#6 2012-09-23 18:35:53

Naki
Sup.

Re: Dear princess Celestia... (A Reminder to myself)

I'm glad to have been some part of helping you. You know we give a shit. You know this for a fact.

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#7 2012-09-23 19:05:54

DashAttack
Not REDACTED

Re: Dear princess Celestia... (A Reminder to myself)

I have never been more proud to be part of a hugbox.

I love ya, man.

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#8 2012-09-23 19:56:18

Lilac_Iris
To the Internetmobile!

Re: Dear princess Celestia... (A Reminder to myself)

I love you Razor, and I am sorry I wasn't there to help, but so glad to hear you are still with us.

All the love in this brony's heart to you man <3

Last edited by Lilac_Iris (2012-09-23 22:17:35)


I walk a thin line between insane and completely out of my mind.
Normal is boring.

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#9 2012-09-23 20:34:05

eaglehooves
Procrastinating with ponies, again.

Re: Dear princess Celestia... (A Reminder to myself)

^ What PresentPerfect said. So glad you were able to find a reason before it was too late.


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Random journals and the occasional post -> http://eaglehooves.deviantart.com/
Also now on Steam! http://steamcommunity.com/profiles/76561198040248536
Do ponies really even read signatures?

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#10 2012-09-23 21:39:48

Jorganstan
Ruv roo rong time

Re: Dear princess Celestia... (A Reminder to myself)

I was having trouble with my friend the past few days with wanting to kill herself. She was only going to do it because her ex boyfriend wouldn't text her back and freaked out. After chatting with her yesterday I got so nervous that I me and my dad got in the car and just started to go look for her house to see if we could do anything to help. Then a half hour later she called me and she was crying and after some talking I think I got her to calm down. So if it weren't for me and my dad. I don't think I would've had my friend today because literally I think I was the only one that was involved with this.

But yea I should have checked the chat, even though I don't know you. I could have helped in some way. But I'm glad to hear your ok to

Last edited by Jorganstan (2012-09-23 21:40:26)

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#11 2012-09-23 22:06:42

Csquared08
Sing my song and become nothing.

Re: Dear princess Celestia... (A Reminder to myself)

I'm just glad I picked that time to see what was going on in the chat. I had been ignoring it all day...


As I said in a text at some point or another, I think I speak for all of us when I say that we care. So very much.


"If all I care about in life is the imprints I make in this world, then the most I'll ever leave is a grave." - Lyra, Background Pony
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#12 2012-09-23 22:17:00

Arcane Flame
I LOVE THEM!!!
Arcane Trotter

Re: Dear princess Celestia... (A Reminder to myself)

^ What Lilac_Iris said.


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"Magicam operare non est aliud quam maritare mundum."  ~Pico della Mirandola, Conclusiones Magicae

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#13 2012-09-23 23:47:55

Brickule
Moderator

Re: Dear princess Celestia... (A Reminder to myself)

Damnit, I wish I had been there, my computer died and went into "derp derp, lets take 2 hours to re-boot" mode.
Glad you know that we care dude, we love ya!

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#14 2012-09-24 01:08:53

Jinzo
The veteran of many pretend wars

Re: Dear princess Celestia... (A Reminder to myself)

I love like a brother Denny seriously.


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"The world needs more Bronies" - John de Lancie
Twitter @JinzoDefiler

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#15 2012-09-24 10:25:35

NewGrayMare
Fern Fiend

Re: Dear princess Celestia... (A Reminder to myself)

Wow dude.  I am so glad some of the wonderful people on here were able to help.  I've been there (nearly every fall, actually) and it's not a pretty place.

This sounds corny as all getout, but it helps.  Find a shoebox (or a pony blind bag case!) and fill it with things that make you happy, bring back good memories, and reminders of people you love and who love you.  When you start to feel that darkness creeping in, pull out the box and go through it.  Seriously, it does help to have reminders of the good times in an easy to find place.

Lovely and Bubblez@_@, thank you for making sure Razor Cloud was safe and felt loved.  You went above and beyond what most people would do. Naki, you're amazing for keeping him chatting until Lovely and Bubblez could get there.

I may not have been part of this whole situation as it took place, but I thank those of you who recognized a fellow soul in pain and did what it took to rescue him. All of you guys rock.

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#16 2012-09-24 13:35:20

Bigjoe
Average Joe

Re: Dear princess Celestia... (A Reminder to myself)

Shit, I hope I see you soon. I miss ya man... sad

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#17 2012-09-24 13:55:03

razza
better than u

Re: Dear princess Celestia... (A Reminder to myself)

so many tears reading this thread. i have no words. none. i can't word.


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#18 2012-09-24 15:36:48

Brickule
Moderator

Re: Dear princess Celestia... (A Reminder to myself)

Razor, you are an awesome guy.
I have social problems: when coming into a new group, I tend to find one person that I sense is cool, fun, and awesome, and I stick to them. I follow them while walking in the crowd, and I talk and connect with them more than others. It is easier for me to get used to people one or two at a time rather than a giant group.
First meet I was at, I instantly thought "Now there is an awesome dude", and hey, you are in the same town as I am, so that is even better!
I am not good with words, But I just wanted to drop that in. Soon as I have my own car, you can expect me at your door if you ever get bummed out again... and if my GPS doesn't end me up in Canada or something lol.

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#19 2012-09-24 21:17:22

razza
better than u

Re: Dear princess Celestia... (A Reminder to myself)

To whomever stickied the thread: Thanks. I mean that, thanks a ton. Now it will always be there and I'll always remember c: and have something to look back on.


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#20 2012-09-24 22:40:34

Lilac_Iris
To the Internetmobile!

Re: Dear princess Celestia... (A Reminder to myself)

We are always there for you Razor, through thick and thin <3


I walk a thin line between insane and completely out of my mind.
Normal is boring.

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#21 2012-09-24 23:58:38

Bigjoe
Average Joe

Re: Dear princess Celestia... (A Reminder to myself)

Shit, I'm gonna f*cking hug you all now! You bastards!

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#22 2012-09-25 21:45:07

Jorganstan
Ruv roo rong time

Re: Dear princess Celestia... (A Reminder to myself)

Even though I don't know you much Raze, you do seem like your a pretty damn cool guy. I do hope to meet you and the rest of you guys one day after I'm graduated and out of my mother's clinching claws of supression. Until then I hope you are ok and maintain peace within yourself.

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#23 2012-09-25 22:25:04

razza
better than u

Re: Dear princess Celestia... (A Reminder to myself)

Jorganstan wrote:

Even though I don't know you much Raze, you do seem like your a pretty damn cool guy. I do hope to meet you and the rest of you guys one day after I'm graduated and out of my mother's clinching claws of supression. Until then I hope you are ok and maintain peace within yourself.

meeting razor will happen. you can't avoid it.


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#24 2012-09-25 22:45:48

Csquared08
Sing my song and become nothing.

Re: Dear princess Celestia... (A Reminder to myself)

Razor Cloud wrote:

meeting razor will happen. you can't avoid it.

I will hold you to this.


"If all I care about in life is the imprints I make in this world, then the most I'll ever leave is a grave." - Lyra, Background Pony
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#25 2012-09-25 23:10:21

razza
better than u

Re: Dear princess Celestia... (A Reminder to myself)

Csquared08 wrote:
Razor Cloud wrote:

meeting razor will happen. you can't avoid it.

I will hold you to this.

I have your number
i have your university
it can't be hard


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